Claire Raynor,
Breakfast TV,
Problem Hour,
BBC Television,
LONDON,
WA7 8BN.

Dear Claire,

I am a man of 24 and come from a large family. My name may be familiar to you as my elder brother plays for Portsmouth Football Club.
My younger brother is unfortunately serving a life sentence for mutiple rape and driving under the influence of drugs whilst disqualified.
My two sisters had their own business, The Erotica Visiting Massage Service, but gave it up when they realised they had lesbian tendencies toward each other.
My mother is a mentally deranged alchoholic and refuses to have anything to do with my father since she discovered he is a practising homosexual, who has recently contacted AIDS.
She is now pregnant by a Pakistani who owns the local off-licence and the doctor says her heroine addiction may affect my unborn half brother.
My grandad came back with swamp fever and gangrene from his visit to his old village in Botswana. He can now stand on his wooden legs, unsupported.
Whilst in prison, I have been writing to a charming blonde of 63 from Toxteth, an ex prostitute with six lovely half-cast children.
We plan to marry when I get out and her syphilis clears up.

My problem is, how can I bring myself to tell her about my brother playing for Portsmouth!!

Yours hopefully,

CONCERNED.
PO Box 1233,
HMP
Stangeways.